A young girl is sitting anxiously in a doctor’s office; she is shaking, a nervous look on her face. She has earbuds in her ears. It seems like she’s trying go to calm down. Once her name is called, she frantically looks at her iPod, and walks through the large doors to meet the person that is going to help her.
That girl is me.
Music has always been a big part of my life. My family has always listened to music. I’ve loved music since I was a little toddler. I remember the multiple times that my mom told me to stop using the pots and pans as makeshift drums. When I got my first mp3 player, I almost cried. That mp3 player stirred something inside me that has shaped the person I am today.
When I was about 8 or 9, I had to deal with a life changing moment: my parent’s divorce. This hit me extremely hard, and I fell into a depression that made me shut off everyone around my life. I dealt with this for 3 more years. I didn’t care about anything at that point. Grades were meaningless. I almost failed a few times. I was even placed in a special needs class because my school noticed how little I did my assignments.
On a summer day, I found a band called Malice Mizer. It was a very old Japanese band that unfortunately disbanded before I was born, but luckily I could find their music on the internet. I saw a song of theirs called “Au Revoir”, and decided to listen to it, since it was their most popular song. After a minute or two, I was hooked. For the first time in multiple years, I found something that made me feel somewhat better. I tried to find every single song they had released; hours upon hours of researching and trying to decipher the Japanese sites I looked at. It was all worth it. That one song reignited the passion for music that I had when I was a tiny child.
At first, I really wanted to play the electric bass. I tried doing that, but it never really took off. It was fun, but it didn’t seem right. Something was off. After the bass, I messed around with an acoustic guitar that my Dad bought me for my 12th birthday. I got bored of it after a while. I gave up trying to play an instrument, but I still was passionate about music.
For the first time, I was enrolled in a public school. For 7 years, I was homeschooled, and I didn’t get to experience things like Band, Orchestra, or Choir. When I was in the 8th grade, I took a risk and decided to choose Band as an elective. I had no experience reading music, or actually playing, but I still wanted to get myself involved in something I was passionate about. I chose the flute, since it was the only instrument that I was really interested in.
On a cold winter night, I performed at my first concert. I was scared out of my wits. The day before, I broke down. I was nervous about playing my first solo; “Hot Cross Buns”. Now if I was a normal person, I wouldn’t have an issue with this, but I was cursed with something that runs in the family; Anxiety. Now, I’m on my second year of playing the flute. I’ve played multiple concerts, but every now and then, my stage fright comes back to haunt me.
Starting High School was stressful for me. I was under so much pressure to get good grades, and make my family proud. I became a perfectionist; and I was only happy with having A’s. For the first time, I failed a test. Failing that one test was my breaking point. I fell into another depression, but this was worse than before. I was self-harming. I was suicidal. I’ve had plenty of nights when I almost actually did it. However, there was one thing that stopped me from doing it.
Music.
It’s what helps calm me down when I have an episode. Without music, I wouldn’t be here writing this essay. I wouldn’t be playing the flute in Concert Band. I wouldn’t have found out about amazing new artists that I really love. My family wouldn’t see me in my first parade.